Today, I heard myself saying
old words.
Young words actually,
as they circle back
to a time when I was
lost.  
But they stem from times
that are old to me.
So,
old words to me.
Things and thoughts
I hadn’t thought or spoken
in a while.

I had a very blessed childhood.
More stuff than I needed,
never wanting for anything.
But early in the game
I could sense where it was headed.
It could be great for me,
if I thoroughly applied myself
(which I never did).
A clear path to what gets defined
as success,
but which I never bought into.
Because,
and here come the old words,
“the deal is not good enough”.
It’s a dirty deal.

Even for me,
with my over privileged ass,
the sacrifice was too big.
Too much of something
I didn’t even know I needed
or even existed,
had to be given up
to reach a place,
where I felt
I definitely never
ever
wanted to land.
Even though those types of places
keep getting all the shine and praise.
At all costs
trying to sell the lie
and mostly they succeed.
Some believe it.
Some don’t.
But I trained myself to believe it,
because I’m a coward, I guess.
Buying myself time,
leaping from teenage angst
to depression
to burn-out
to midlife crisis
to darkness.
And in between,
bouts of energy
hope
drive
wonder.
But as you’ve guessed:
the deal is still not good enough.

You may think
I’m unhappy with my own life.
But I’m not.
On the contrary,
even today,
I’m still blessed with more than I need
and laden with the feeling I’m undeserving of it.
My own, personal deal is great.
But the deal in general
is bad,
very bad.
So bad,
it makes even my superb deal
taste like
death and decay.
I cannot enjoy what I have,
knowing
while being powerless
to change a single thing.

Somehow,
I’ve always understood
unhappiness better than happiness.
I’ve always leaned into it.
And I see this in many of us.
In growing numbers of us.
Is it because,
deep down,
we all feel as if
the deal were not good enough?

In the light of the upcoming Belgian elections: a little something about the context of ‘choice’ and how we are led to our decisions. We base our civilian and consumer choices on the array of information we can source. Without input, no sound choice can be made. The more varied the input, the better founded our choice. Most of us are not sociopathic or criminally insane, so we are generally making decisions that are in our best interest and the interest of your families, friends and peers.

But if we’re honest, most of us don’t have the time nor energy to be very inquisitive or investigative. We tend to believe what we read or hear or see in the news. Because we all have a lot of spinning plates. We rely on the media to tell us the full story.

Let’s be clear: everything (e-very-thing) is fully tainted and corrupted by the influence of economic interests. Including, and maybe even mainly, mass media. Information has become one of the main pressure points to get us to believe and think a certain way.

Remember when the media used to be the watchdog of the ruling powers. When investigative journalists were backed and encouraged by their editors to dig deep. And when they uncovered dirt, it would get published (at least sometimes). Those days are long gone. We are now dependent on alternative news sources, some of which are qualitative (going the extra mile to still dig deep and take risks, sometimes at the expense of liberty and life), but these are far outnumbered by the myriad micro-media outlets that spew unsubstantiated crap. Getting informed about ‘the true story’ is definitely a challenge.

Don’t let the democratic nature of the term ‘social media’ fool you either. There is no fair process in how information is distributed over the internet. Here too, unsavoury powers and biased censorships are at play. 

Today’s mainstream media still enjoy a status of quality that they haven’t earned in many decades. The mainstream news that you are being fed is a very poor surrogate for the full spectrum of information and sources you should be offered. This vanilla pulp should be labeled ‘fake news’ just as much as those cohorts of unsubstantiated idiots that sully the waters. 

Over the past 70 years, conglomerate power whores have shaped the legal and political system to serve and protect only their interests and the interests of the companies under their umbrellas. Their political puppets are stupidly (at best) playing the 4 or 6 year reelection game, protecting the status quo, for a fat fee; or they are downright highjacking governments in various guises of autocracy or dictatorship. And the mass media are completely effin’ useless under legal and economic pressures, as they too are owned by those very same power whores. 

Just so you know, that if you follow the money trail upwards, it’s all clearly connected: our consumer choices, our career choices, the aggressive, fascist and very stupid (a dangerous melange) police forces (protecting the capital and the extractors of it), the failing legal system (that only protects business interests and no longer cares about true justice), the failing mass media (that are fed by the hand they should be scrutinising), the glorification of the winner’s mindset (where human(e) values are the subject of ridicule and the act of ‘closing the deal’, at any cost, is lauded), the laughable and deeply corrupted political class that takes it deep up the rear in exchange for meagre ego reach-arounds, the big pseudo-philanthropical entrepreneurs (“Winners take all – The elite charade of changing the world” by A.G.), the polarisation into hate-groups (on whatever imaginary grounds: flags, borders, size, dialect, creed, colour, …) that successfully tear us apart and prevent us from uniting against the top of the pyramid, the deeply disgusting symposia hosted by the WEF (you will own nothing and be happy, while we laugh in your face and piss on your children’s graves), the big financial families that sourced their money by aggressively profiteering from the great wars and other turning points in history, the guilds and lodges and cliques, secret societies and religions that dabble in the occult and rub each others backs while funding child molestation islands, the patenting of nature (why is Bill Gates patenting grains and consolidating our food supplies? F&!k you, Bill), the confiscations of freedom by the WHO (we see your agenda), the conglomerate monopolies (pharma, petchem, arms, agro, tech, construction, … – e.g. Black Rock sells weapons to destroy nations AND scores the contracts for reconstruction), the gargantuan, overreaching, supranational interests of the power whores, … all – that – sh!!t. Whatever motivates and drives these monsters, the outcome paints a truly horrific picture and future. 

So go ahead and cast your vote, but just know that its practical meaning and scope has been rendered completely pointless by the commercial strangleholds on everything. All these different political colours are serving the same masters. Without exception. Offering the illusion of choice and democracy. The freedoms you (may) still enjoy today will get eroded and taken away. If you ask us, we will always say to vote far left. Not for any effective value of these parties or their figureheads, but for the ideologies they should represent: creating a society that puts community and natural living first; while acknowledging that the economy is an operational tool, not a dictating master. 

If we want change, it will demand adjustments and even sacrifice from our end, because we are fiercely entangled in this web. But we shouldn’t move without seeking profound retribution from what all these different shades of leaders have done to us since time eternal. They have to pay the piper. In spades. Retrieve the money from where it has been stashed and take that power back. Organise and unionise to disperse responsibilities so no individuals get beaten into examples for the rest of us to fear rebellion. Because rebel we must. 

Or just keep doing what you do, if you are too exhausted to shift. We get it. It is all deeply disheartening. It’s too much. The wall seems too high. Just be nice to and take care of each other, then. We are all the same. We all belong. 

Kudos if you’ve read this through. There won’t be many of you. Drop us a line if you have. Much appreciated.

You have to acknowledge me. 
All my efforts stem from a deep-rooted fear of non-existing. 
My fading into oblivion. 
Psychologists have reported 
on my brave, new behavioural misconducts.
The soma lab is at work, 
keeping my ego afloat. 
But only barely. 
The passions of the flesh world 
bleed profusely and blindly into the digital.
For countless reasons, 
which are all highly unclear to me, 
I need to assert my presence 
in this generated field, 
which is born 
from a phenomenal illusion to begin with.
And on top of that, I need you, 
not only to confirm 
you have observed my stupendous labours, 
but also, 
to grade and mark my every endeavour 
with your most generous classification, 
suitable to the medium I am spreading myself on.
You want meat? 
I’ll give you many bloated meats.
But I’ll censor the pink bits 
because they are considered 
unethical, provocative and enticing. 
Which is too close to baiting and priming. 
And we can’t have that.
But we can have hearts, thumbs, 
hugs, cares, fingers, fists, 
numbers, shares, views, 
subscribes, follows, saves, copies, 
embeds, notifications, replays, messages, 
library and playlist adds, 
downloads, 
searches and explores, 
swipes, …
Watch me now, watch me later. 
As long as you watch me. 
Enjoy the myriad tools at your disposal 
to laude me. 
So many pixels to push. 
We’ll grow extra fingers in the future, 
just for that.
Tap my stream. 
Tap it, please. 
More. Harder.
Oh yeah, comments! 
I crave comments. 
And replies to comments. 
With avatars, stickers, gifs, memes, …
Put on auto-play. Loop it. 
Do it full screen. 
Infinity scroll.
Interact repeatedly. 
Frequently. 
Incessantly.
I need to source my serotonin spikes, 
anywhere and anytime I can.
As much interplay 
as you can muster to dispense. 
Waking up at odd hours 
to check the figures.
The demographics of my audience.
Their view time. 
Those delectable heat maps.

Look longer. 
I’m putting more details in the background 
for you to scrutinise. 
It’s all there in the small print. 
The glory is hidden 
in the very tail of my regurgitations. 
Tsss, haven’t you noticed them? 
Why so superficial, friend? 
Invest more of your time 
in my special, unique art. 
In my inspirational life.
My influential expressions.
Extend our harmonious screenplay. 
To pull you in deeper. 
To harvest more acclaim 
and fatten your devotion 
to me.
Or at least, 
to what I think is me. 

But remember, 
we are a team.
This is an alliance. 
A symbiosis. 
Actual harmony. 
You need me too. 
Don’t you feel it?
You’re getting so much out of this, 
aren’t you.
You wish for me 
to throw up this content. 
You solicit 
to discharge your appreciation.
We virtualise each other. 
And the stats 
are all that matter. 
I have nothing else 
to measure my advancements.
Therefore, I prostrate everything I do 
before as many as I can. 
This is where and how 
I become accomplished. 
This is self-realisation. 
This – is – happiness. 
I whore out my entire life 
for you to reflect your praise on it. 

But, I cheat. 
I show you 
only the savoury parts. 
The glammed up and polished version of events. 
The filtered, warped and enhanced view.
The real me 
feels insecure and hollow.
Unfulfilled at every turn.
Even the tangible skills, crafts and arts I acquire 
fade into nothingness 
when measured to the mastery of others.
When I compare, I lose. 
That’s why I impersonate a real winner, 
loudly professing not to care, 
while pumping out more posts 
that might crystalise my renown.
My immortality.
Looping back to 
my screaming angst of death.
The horror of not abiding.

The fear only endures 
because it is left uninvestigated.

Something in the background
is wholly occupied
to find more
and more intricate ways
to extract our energies.
What started out
as mere harnessing
of a latent threat
became an active extortion
of our possibilities.
A wringing stranglehold.

To that something
we are no more than raw materials
and vats to be tapped.
It may even be
a welded-in part
of the human hierarchical structure.
Our social architecture
past and present
has always formed
these exclusive factions
that have constricted their purpose
to the inhumane.

People are processed in refineries
where they shall be rinsed
from all impurities.
Cleansing, flushing and disinfecting
our freedom, autonomy
and every sense of prospect.

And they have names for us all.
For our types.
Categories.
Sections.
Divided and torn
into graded fuel classes.
Clustered by intended purpose
and projected application.
Corralled into cities
with well segregated sectors
that facilitate the harvesting
of our juices.
It is no accident
that we are feeling more isolated
and clearly directed
to our egocentric impulses.
The meat
is being tenderised.

We are openly collected
and we represent a value
that is only expressed
in numeric terms.
It is a conversion
of flesh into gold.
Crude alchemy.

I’m not leading this item
with a question,
as one would do
when pretending to be
some kind of philosopher.
Which, I guess
I’m also pretending to be.
No point
in denying it.
But I don’t think
that philosophy is a dirty word. 
And I think everyone
is entitled to a little reasoning
now and then.

I may not be poignant,
articulate
or technically well versed,
but I am highly impassioned
and stirring.
At least to myself.
And that is where
the effects
of my philosophy
are most valuable,
I believe.

My mind is full
to the brim
with nonsensical worries,
as I’m sure yours is as well.
In my case,
stuff from work mainly,
but also complications
in the things
that I actually like doing
for myself.
The music,
the writing,
the sports,
the meditations,
you know…
in everything.
Complications are
everywhere.

And I can’t
for the life of me,
understand why that is so.

Let’s be frank,
we are not really complicated beings.
Everything we need
is provided by nature
because we are a part of it.

There is abundance
as long as we don’t
stress the system
with overpopulation
as we are doing now.

But the worries
I am dragging along
have nothing to do with
not getting what I need
to stay alive or
to be happy.
They are caused by
the weaving of a web
of dependencies and cravings
that I never asked for
and that are even not natural to me.
It is as if
a colossal
and inescapable structure
was imposed on me.
And even though
this construct slowly grew
over the course of many generations,
it still feels like
I was totally free
just yesterday,
and I am wholly imprisoned
today.

As if I have been blind to it
for all my life
and have now suddenly reached a point
where a heavy veil
has been lifted
and all this total nonsense
comes into focus.
And now
every fiber in my body
tells me to break all the patterns,
to reinvent myself
and to reset my entire existence.

And that, ladies and gentlemen,
is what we call
a full fledged
mid-life crisis.

It is my fourth
in this life-time
by the way.